I have been doing a lot of thinking this summer. After a first year of graduate school like the one I finished in May, how could I not be doing some heavy thinking. Here’s about how it went.
As most if not all graduate students, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure. The pressure I felt was being put on me as a fellowship recipient to take four courses each semester was suffocating. I managed fine the first semester, but the second semester, I didn’t. The load quickly became too much, and I was forced to compromise both the quality of my work and my physical and mental health. I know now, and I knew then too that I was simply trying not to disappoint the people who had shown such faith in me by accepting me into the program and giving me the department’s top funding package. I was truly honoured and I didn’t want to let them down.
In the middle of the second semester, I was to present a first draft of a paper to the class for critiquing. However, and I admit it freely, the paper was sub-par and I turned it in at 1AM instead of midnight, which was the cut-off (although it was neither discussed nor stated at any time during the course). The next morning, at around 11AM I received an email from the professor. It was both sent to and addressed to the entire class, opening with “Dear Dylan (and dear students), In truth, this messaged is addressed in particular to Dylan, but as it may also impact the rest of the class, I am authorising myself to send it to you all.”
In the remainder of the letter, the professor proceeded to shred my work, both on the particular project and in the class in general. He said many other things about which I will not go into detail. Whether I deserved this critique or not, I certainly did not deserve the manner in which it was delivered. This clear attempt to publicly shame me left me devastated, to stay the least. The episode left me numb and in a tearful haze. Already weak and wounded from the stress and anxieties that I had been experiencing nonstop since the beginning of the first semester, this was the fatal blow. Although I managed to sort out my dropping of the course with the chair of the department and my director of graduate studies, the event threw me into a deep, depressive stupor in which I remained until about two weeks before the end of the semester. In this daze, I could read what I needed to, but writing became nearly impossible and my thought was drained of all of its critical sap.
Once the semester was over and I was managing to climb my way out of the dark place in which I had been residing for several weeks, I began reflect upon my experience, my goals, and to do them in a state of mind unburdened by the pressures of academia. I began to search out ways to rekindle my passion for books, reading and literature, and ultimately landed on blogging. Although I had already started reading books that were completely out of my domain, blogging gave me an excuse to further explore the uncharted territories of my literary map, and to explore in a therapeutic way. Through this self administered treatment, I have come to several realisations about myself and about what I expect from academia.
Last night (although it will be a couple of nights ago at least by the time you read this) , I stupidly drank a cup of coffee too late in the evening and the caffeine, combined with the sweltering heat of my bedroom, kept me up, tossing and turning, and more importantly, thinking. While my body was tossing itself around in search of comfort, so was my mind tossing around thoughts and ideas in search of its own comfort. At 4AM, in a sleepy fog, I got up from my bed, walked to my computer, and set to writing a letter to the comparative literature Ph.D programs to which I intended to apply, a letter that I fully intended to send.
At 4:15, the letter finished, I went back to bed and finally managed to find sleep. This morning I got up, remembered the letter and realised that perhaps the idea of sending it was even more foolish than I had originally thought, and I decided it was best to keep it for myself. However, still not satisfied, this afternoon, I decided that I wasn’t content with keeping it for myself. So, in compromise I have decided to post it here. I have not opened the letter file since I finished and saved it last night, and the text below is exactly where I left it then, copied and pasted from the original document, although I have corrected some spacing oddities that arose in the transfer:
Hello,
My name is Dylan, and in sending this email I am undoubtedly risking any possible future in academia that I could ever hope for. However, the questions posed and statements made herein will be worth having been posed and made if they will me to a place where I finally feel intellectually at home.
Having completed in May, 2015 my first year of studies for a MA in French Literature, I have come to the realization that I could never be happy studying solely French literature and that my interests would be better nurtured through a career pursued in comparative literature. Regrettably, though, my first year of graduate studies has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth, and in my search for a new intellectual home, I would like be sure this time of my possible fit within it.
What I desire is simple: I am looking for a program in which the pursuit of knowledge, the development of the individual’s passion, and the betterment of the human condition through this knowledge and this passion never play second fiddle to, and are neither compromised nor stifled by the teaching of “proper playing” of the role of an academic. I understand, nevertheless, the necessity of this last item and the teaching thereof, but I believe that from the moment they begin to infringe upon the quest for knowledge and wisdom, to extinguish passion, and either forget or cast to the wayside the amelioration of the human condition, academia has failed, for in this case, it fails to be a means to a higher goal, and becomes a means unto its own end.
While I intend to finish my Masters degree where I am, I refuse to continue to allow my inextinguishable passion and love for knowledge, literature, and the common good to dwell in an environment where they are not at liberty to flourish.
I understand my own foolishness in sending this email, and needn’t be further told of reminded of it. I would greatly appreciate it, though, if, in the event that you should think I was a good fit for your Ph.D program in Comparative Literature, that you let me know. The fact that you are receiving this email indicates that I have already researched your program and have read the available online resources, but I believe that it is nigh on impossible to glean the true nature of a program from such reading.
I sincerely thank you for you time,
Dylan W. Rinker
Today, I met with a professor to discuss my letters of recommendation for the upcoming application processes (I did not mention this letter), and informed him of my decision to change programs. During our conversation, he began to explain the difficulties of finding academic jobs in comparative literature, listing examples from his own life. At some point during this explanation, everything became very clear in my mind, and as soon as he had finished I jumped in, explaining that I didn’t care about the difficulty of finding a job, that my choice to pursue a Ph.D was not merely to land a job, but it was a personal goal that I had set for myself. I explained to him that, yes, I desired to be able to teach literature and to bring out the passion for it in others, that did I want to be a part of a larger informed discussion, I did want to be able to publish my thoughts and engage in the erudite dialogue on the subject. But most importantly, I wanted to be educated for my own benefit. Yes, I want to do these things, but academia is simply the most direct route to the combination of all of them, but no matter what I do, I will always find a way to integrate them into my life.
This realisation has brought closer to my eyes a fact of which I have always been aware, and a fact that saddens me greatly. Education in the USA, and probably elsewhere (although I cannot speak for other countries) is no longer about illuminating our minds to live fuller, richer lives; education is no longer a light against the darkness of ignorance – it has become a mere means to an end, that end being a job, and unfortunately, this seems to be becoming quite true even in the highest tiers of our education system.
I’m not writing this post in some sort of vengeful geste against my professor, or some sort of woeful complaint card against Academia. Rather, I write this post from a place of a lack of understanding and disappointment. That is, there is something that I do not understand and I am disappointed by this: is it not a grave compromise of our education to taint it with simultaneous instruction of the role of an academic? That is, does it not stifle our creativity and wanderlust to box the pursuit of knowledge within the narrow framework of the academic job market? The constant thoughts of publishing, making yourself as attractive a candidate as possible, presenting at conferences, writing a dissertation that you can subsequently turn into a book, landing a tenure-track job, obtaining tenure, etc. etc.: do these worries not suffocate the curious mind, redirecting invaluable inquisitive energies away from the search for knowledge and toward the feeling of desperate need to fit one’s work and interests within the framework of an “attractive job candidate”? Do these imposed limitations not, in many ways, produce the same effect of the “teaching to the test” of which we so fervently disapprove?
Do not misundertand me, I do understand the necessity of a keen awareness of the job situation for those interested in entering academia as a profession, for the reality of it is sobering. But it seems to me that even if every person who pursued a Ph.D did so desiring to become a professor of his/her chosen field, this “teaching to the test” of which higher education is guilty should never be so concentrated or weighty as to stifle or set limitations to the mind that yearns for enlightening.
These views are, of course, my own, and I admit that each individual has his or her own experiences and his or her own relationship with education and knowledge, and I am not attempting to impose mine upon anyone. I am merely searching for clarity and possible answers to what seems to me to be the greatest possible contradiction in our higher education, if not in education in general.
-D.W.